Waiting on Wisdom

Scott Lott sold all kinds of boats over the years. Along the way, he’d ran into some trouble with a few thieves. In the past, he’d conceded that he wasn’t seeing the boats again but when he told Glew about his latest loss, we ran the thief down and returned Scott’s inventory to him.

A month later, I got home and took a shower after a long day of roofing and sat in my rocker where I dozed.

Knock.

I stirred.

Knock.

Knock.

“All right, damn it,” I said.

I stepped out and looked at the tree line across the road where a pink sun blazed forth. Yes, sir. Thank you to whatever woke me up. This is the best time for staring over that way. I blinked a few times. A truck sat in my driveway. A boat sat on a trailer behind it. Scott popped up beside my porch rail. . “What’s up, rough and ready?”

“Not much, slick and sissy,” I said.

Scott pointed to the boat. “What do you think of that little number?”

I whistled. “Just get it?”

“Nope,” he said. “Had it a while. To tell you the truth, I’m tired of it. How about you take it?”

I held up a hand. “Ain’t got the funds at the moment.”

He spread his hands out. “After you guys getting me back my other boats, you think I’d make you pay for this?”

I swallowed. “Well, I mean…Glew told me about the job and all. He should get it before I do.”

“I agree,” he said. “Only, he didn’t want it.”

“What? Why not?”

Scott shrugged. “He told me to bring it over here. So…here.”

I smiled. “Dang, Scott. This is real nice. Thank you. Really.”

Scott shook my hand. He backed the boat off the driveway into the yard beside my shed. We got her unhooked. He got back in his truck. I said, “Stay a spell if you want. It’s a good day to watch the sun set.”

Scott shook his head. “Got to get back to it. Enjoy the boat.”

He drove to the end of the driveway. Then he backed up toward me. I stepped aside. He stopped a few feet from me and handed me a cigar. “This goes mighty good with sunset watching.”

I took the cigar and grinned.

He said, “I really should. I’ll have my wife make me some tea and I’ll take it easy one day next week. I’ll think of you when I do, George. How’s that sound?”

I placed the cigar between my teeth. “Like a million dollar idea, Scott.”

He took off down the road.

I set up my lawn chair and stared at the gray fourteen-foot Polar Kraft Jon boat with a forty-inch bottom, sitting on a sixteen-foot trailer. I toyed with the cigar between my lips. The setting sun floated back there, like an early moon looking to peak through and keep me company. I rolled the cigar around. A Coors would hit the spot right now.

“Hhmm.”

I placed the cigar on the porch rail and then walked inside. I grabbed my keys and then backed my truck up to the boat trailer. I hooked it up and then I rode on down the road a good piece, shifting my eyes between the road and the boat.

Hey.

Maybe I could have a little fun here.

I drove to a little cove in the northern section of town. Some of these places sat vacant. None of them looked lived in. Don’t expect folks to answer within minutes of you knocking and if you’re expecting Halloween decorations, you need to drive away. I like to call it a blind street. Theft lingered in the air like week old trash. So I backed the boat up into the driveway of a vacant house near the dead end and then unhitched it. I slapped a GPS tracker onto the boat and parked down the street.

Glew sent me a text message, asking me about my whereabouts. I told him. Twenty minutes later, he stepped out of his car all decked out in his white suit and fedora. The guy looked like Colonel Sanders’ rich grandson. When he climbed inside my truck, the Polo cologne found my nostrils. I rolled down my window. He said, “So what’s going on, stud? Meeting your date here?”

“Yeah,” I said.

He snickered. “Yeah, right, like you’d have a date on a Friday night. That’s what weird folks do. Right?”

I said, “I suppose you do, of course.”

He smiled wide. “This one. Oh, man. My greatest conquest.”

“I’m happy for you two.”

“No, stud. Look,” he said. He showed me her Facebook profile on his cell phone.

I said, “She’s-

He tapped my arm. “I know. And it’s not just that. She just passed her bar exam. And her dad is loaded and already bought her a new house for passing the test. And she’s very attracted to my work. And she’s not looking for a husband. Career woman. No interest in kids. I mean, there is nothing wrong with her. You may never see me again, man.”

“I don’t know.” I scratched my chin. “You might miss out on all the fun we have running around.”

“Pshaw,” he said. “Did you not hear me? This lady will keep me plenty busy. I mean, don’t get me wrong. Maybe she’ll let me fight crime one night a week and give you a thrill.”

“I’m honored.”

He chuckled. “Aw, don’t be jealous, stud. You’ll find a life one day. I’m headed out, though.”

He stepped out of the truck and walked around to my window. “I got to say, you’re on your own here. I can’t mess this date up. So unless you’re dying, don’t call. Okay?”

I peered in my rearview mirror at the boat. “Aw, I wouldn’t expect much, Glew. Go get her, buddy.”

“You bet, you son of a gun.”

He drove to the end of the street. Then he honked his horn twice and squealed his tires in the turn. I took a few slugs of coffee. Something landed on the power line up there. An owl?

A Jeep Wrangler rolled by at twenty miles an hour. The driver turned around in the dead end and passed back by the boat. Its tail lights disappeared in the growing darkness. I rubbed the back of my neck. I took another shot of coffee. The Jeep pulled back around and stopped behind the boat.

Here we go.

I ducked down, keeping a watch on my GPS device. Ten minutes later, the boat pulled away. I waited five minutes and then I got on the move.

The Jeep transported my boat twenty miles into the country to a property that had two acres of front yard with a white fence that stretched at least a couple of acres on back. Two men held the gate open while another one backed the boat through while a fourth man stood watching with his hands in his pockets. I slowed down. Then I shifted into neutral. The man with his hands in his pockets turned toward me. I killed the engine. One of the men at the gate pointed toward me. I rolled into the long paved driveway. The two holding the gate abandoned their position and ran toward me. The pockets man walked toward me but he pulled his hands out of his pockets. I waited. They jogged on. I turned the ignition but pulled back before it cranked. The men got closer. I banged on the steering wheel.

The two men slowed down but kept on toward me while Pockets walked on at the same pace. I shook my head and hit the steering wheel again. One of the men walked toward the passenger side of my truck while the other eased his way toward my window. I said, “Damn it all to hell, boys. I’m sorry for pulling over here, but she’s up and quit on me.”

The men looked at each other. Pockets walked onto the driveway. I nodded at him. He stared straight at me. I said, “I gotta call me a tow truck. One of you fellows have a phone?”

The two gate boys stared toward Pockets. He gave them one nod. The one near my window wore a buzz cut. He handed me his phone. “Thank you,” I said.

Buzz Cut said, “Not a problem.”

I tapped on the phone. Then I said, “You fellows mind if I step out? My back’s killing me.”

Pockets said, “Go ahead.”

I stepped out and then placed the phone to my ear.

“Yeah,” I said. “Yes, sir. I got a problem…”

Buzz Cut and his friend watched me. Pockets looked away but he glanced back a few times. The man in the jeep got out and walked toward us.

I said, “The problem? What’s my problem? Is that what you’re asking me?”

Buzz Cut and his friend inched toward me. Pockets took a step back while the other fellow quickened his pace toward us.

I said, “I got four assholes here who stole my boat.”

Buzz Cut and his friend rushed me. They pushed me against the truck and pulled their fists back. I lowered my face and then squeezed the button on my pepper spray can. They stumbled back. Buzz Cut fell down. The other guy leaned on my truck. Coughing and retching took over any other noise. The jeep guy ran toward me. Pockets said, “Stop!”

Jeep lunged at me with a kick as if he were kicking down a door. I sidestepped his attack. He bounced off the truck. I smashed him in the jaw. The impact sent him sprawling into the yard.

Pockets held up his hands. “Hold on, now. You can take the boat back.”

“Yeah?” I said.

He nodded while his eyes darted back and forth between me and his fallen men.

I said, “All right, then.”

I tossed Buzz Cut’s cell phone to Pockets. Then I climbed into my truck and backed it up to the gate. I secured the trailer hitch to the ball on my bumper. I drove to the driveway where Jeep and his friend remained on the ground. Pockets watched me. I waved.

Buzz Cut popped up at my window from behind a bush. I aimed my pepper spray at him. He pointed a pistol at my face. I stopped the truck.

Buzz Cut said, “That’s our damn boat. You’re leaving it.”

Pockets said, “Don’t do that, son!”

Buzz Cut kept his pistol aimed at me. “It’s our boat. You leave it.”

“Actually, it’s not,” I said. I stared at Buzz Cut. He wiped sweat from his brow and switched the pistol to his other hand. “But,” I said, “you do have the gun. Unhook it and I’ll go.”

Buzz Cut grinned at Pockets. “Unhook it.”

Pockets unhooked my boat.

Buzz Cut stared at me. “Just don’t come back around here. We don’t stand for thieves out this way.”

“Yes, sir,” I said. I drove down the road.

I turned around a mile up the road and parked the truck. After ten minutes, I cranked it back up and took off back toward the thieves’ house. When the place came into view, all four men stood in the front yard while the boat remained in the driveway. They toasted beer cans together. I bounded through the ditch and then cut across the yard toward them. The group scattered like a flock of birds do when a cat leaps at them. Even Pockets dove for cover. I spun around in the driveway. I stomped the accelerator and left a track of rubber on the concrete. Then I parked and stepped out with my own .32 revolver in my hand.

When I walked toward the yard, Buzz Cut patted the ground for his weapon. I fired the .32 into the night air.

Pop!

Jeep and the other man hunkered down. Pockets stood with his hands slightly raised. Buzz Cut placed his forehead to the ground. I kept the revolver aimed at him. “This is my damn boat. Does everybody understand that?”

No one moved.

I shot into the air again.

Pop!

“Does everybody understand that?”

Pockets said, “Yes! Yes! We do!”

The others raised their hands and nodded.

I climbed into the truck and pulled it back up to the boat. Pockets hooked me up before I could get out of my truck. I got back inside and left the boat thieves back in my rear view mirror.

When I got back home, I backed the boat into the shed. Then I returned the .32 revolver to my little hidey hole in my backyard, tucked safely beneath a patch of grass. No more than a minute walked by before Glew called me. “Where you at?”

“The house,” I said.

“All right,” he said. “I’ll stop by.”

Glew hung up before I could respond. I popped my neck and walked inside where I grabbed a Coors. I returned to my front porch and sat in my chair, drinking and resting my eyes. I nearly nodded off before Glew barreled down my driveway with AC/DC blaring through his windows. I wiped my eyes. He walked onto my porch and leaned back on the porch rail. I looked at him.

“Stood up,” he said. “I met her through a friend. The friend talked me up after I’d made a good impression. I mean, you know that I know what I’m doing when it comes to the ladies and yet, she stood me up.”

I said, “Well-

“I sat in that restaurant for an hour and a half, Fairfax. Ninety-three minutes of wondering. Just waiting. I mean, I felt like you I guess. Damn it. I can’t believe it. Me? Stood up? I love them and leave them. The finest women around and she’s going to stand me up?”

“Glew-

“No, man. I mean, she wasn’t even that hot, really. I called her after I left. Nothing. No excuses. She didn’t even try. I mean…I can’t believe it.”

I propped my leg on my knee and waited. After stewing a while, he said, “You ever been stood up?”

I waited.

“Of course not. You’d have to actually get a date first. Right?”

I waited a while longer.

He chuckled. “Hell, maybe you’re right. Just sit and wait for some bad guys. Anybody show up, anyway?”

I removed the body cam from my chest and hooked it up to his phone. I played the tape of my boat adventure. He said, “Are you kidding me? I could have backed you up out there. Those guys. Man!”

I smiled and unhooked the cam and gave the phone back to him. He said, “Wow, man. I should have hung out with you tonight.”

“Nothing wrong with trying to find you a lady friend, Glew.”

“Yeah,” he said, “but I don’t know. I find them. I get tired of them. I leave them. It’s all a big cycle. You…you actually get things done.”

“We get things done,” I said. “I haven’t been acting alone this whole time. You’re fine and you’ll do well.”

“But aren’t you disappointed in me? I mean, I feel like I let you down.”

I said, “Nah, bud. You’ll ride with me on the next one.”

He swallowed.

“Won’t you?” I said.

He nodded. “You bet I will.”

“Glad to hear it.”

He stood and stretched. “Well, I guess I’ll be going.”

The car came down my driveway blaring AC/DC. The oldies station must be putting on a tribute tonight. Glew said, “What the? Who is…”

The lady stepped out of the car with a smile. She waved to me and bounced her way up onto the porch. She brushed by Glew and kissed me on the mouth. I kissed her back and squeezed her thigh. She said, “Oooo.” She turned to Glew. Then she looked at me. “And who is this handsome fellow?”

I looked at Glew and smiled. “Wally Glew, meet Roberta.”

She hugged Glew. He stared at me, stunned.

I said, “Roberta here had a date a couple weeks ago at that bar out on the highway.”

Roberta said, “That’s right. The rat I was supposed to meet stood me up. And then in walked this stud. And let me tell, you, I’m so happy that rat didn’t show up. Because me and this gentleman have shared a lot…I mean a LOT of things since then.”

I smiled.

She patted my cheek. “Speaking of which, I’ll be in your bedroom, baby. See you in a few?”

I squeezed her thigh again. She walked inside. Glew turned to me. “My whole universe is shattering.”

I stood. “That’s what I can’t figure.”

“What?”

“That woman,” I said. “She didn’t show up. And you come out here and complain to me? Where’s your spirit? When one doesn’t show up, you find another one. I thought every man knew that? Are you telling me you didn’t try to hit on any other woman in the place?”

Glew looked away. “No. I…I didn’t.”

“You get in too big of a hurry, Glew. Just take some time and stare at the sky. Take it all in and hold one thought in your head for a while. Slow it all down, buddy.”

He rubbed his forehead. Then he frowned at me. I grinned. He shook his head and pulled out his phone and started texting.

“I got to get inside.”

“Hey,” he said.

“Yeah?”

“You gonna be prowling tomorrow night?”

“Maybe,” I said. “It’s usually best to respond to those who want you around first.”

He said, “I think you’re right.”

Roberta’s voice echoed through the house. “There’s no TV in here, Mr. Fairfax. I need my entertainment!”

I said, “Welp. I gotta go. See you buddy!”

I walked inside and shut the door. Glew walked off my porch. I tore off my shirt and headed toward the bedroom. Roberta lay on my bed wearing next to nothing. I said, “Damn, woman.”

Bump.

I held up a “wait a second” finger at Roberta and returned to the front door. Glew took a seat on my front porch and lit a cigar. He tossed his phone off the porch and stared off in the distance. I smiled. The old boy gets smarter all the time.

Pleasant Times With Pleasant People

Ms. Shelly spent her Sunday afternoons doing yard work around her box of a two-bedroom home. She left her front door unlocked during this work. In over fifteen years of living there, she never had a problem until now.

Glew had done some spying on her nephew since Ms. Shelly’s sister suspected the young man of embezzling from the family business. Ms. Shelly called Glew up while we rode through town, looking for trouble. We visited Ms. Shelly who told us that someone must have entered her home while she worked in her backyard and stolen her music box. She dabbed at her forehead. “I’m never going to leave the front door unlocked again.”

I said, “Oh no. You leave it unlocked.”

She looked at Glew and then back at me.

I said, “We’ll put another music box there and place a tracker on it. Whoever stole the other one might come back and when they do, we’ll know where they go.”

She said, “Oh.”

I said, “It’s the only chance you’ve got.”

So we bought a music box off of eBay that looked similar to her stolen one. We placed the tracker inside. Ms. Shelly promised to stick to her routine and leave that front door unlocked. She would call us if the second box disappeared.

When we left, I said, “Damn. Stealing is bad enough but stealing from old folks. That’s low.”

Glew said, “Yeah. I knew this one kid in high school. I’m pretty sure he stole from this old man who lived on the other side of town.”

“Scumbag.”

Glew said, “Ah, but he told the funniest jokes. Always made everybody laugh. We didn’t have any money growing up, you know. I had this one yellow tie. It’s all we could afford. He told me it was the nicest tie he ever saw. I mean, he did some things he shouldn’t have, sure, but he sure made me feel like a winner.”

Three months rolled by.

Then Glew got the call.

We rode over to Ms. Shelly’s house on a chilly afternoon. She met us outside in her driveway. “Yes, boys. I was working in my yard and left the front door unlocked as usual. I’d just about forgotten about the music box but I had trouble getting to sleep and so I got up and poured me a glass of water. I looked over. Sure enough, the new box was gone. And I know saw it there earlier in the day.”

Glew clicked his teeth. “So our boy came back to the scene of the crime.”

She said, “It looks like it. Ah, lord. Excuse me.”

She walked back inside. Glew brought up the tracker on his cell phone. He said, “I haven’t opened this app in a month. Might take a little while.”

I looked around the neighborhood. Most of the houses looked similar to Ms. Shelly’s house. The yards were maintained well. None of the houses sat vacant. A couple of older ladies watered plants on their porches. One older man waved at us from his rocking chair. A couple of teens hung out a porch down the street. They spat into the yard and stared at us.

Ms. Shelly came back outside. “So did that gadget tell you anything?”

Glew said, “It’s still working. How you been?”

She stood waiting like he hadn’t said anything. Her curly gray hair stood away from her head. I smelled the air. Rain just might be on the horizon.

Glew tapped on his phone. “Ah. Man. This thing.”

I said, “What is it?”

She said, “What’s going on?”

“Damn,” Glew said. “I’m sorry. It looks like we lost it.”

“You lost it? They got away again?”

Glew rubbed his forehead. “I’ll keep trying. Oh, man.”

“Take it easy. These modern gadgets are nice but they don’t always work,” I said.

Ms. Shelly sighed. I stepped out of the car and walked around to Glew’s side. I looked at her as she stood like she was on her last legs after waiting hours in a line at Walgreens. I said, “You seen anybody around who might do this?”

She looked down at the ground. Had she heard me? I peeked at her ear but I didn’t see any hearing aid. Of course, they do make them smaller these days. She scratched her head. “I seen a fellow walking by a few times. He looked kind of like you.”

Glew turned his face toward me while keeping his eyes on the phone. “Something you need to tell me, stud?”

I said, “Kind of like me.”

She held her hand up in an effort to show me the height of this man who resembled myself. She thought he was a little taller by a few inches.

I said, “Did he look over at you or your house here?”

“He looked at everything but me,” she said. “It was like he looked around at the houses and the cars maybe but he wasn’t the kind to look you in the eye which is rare for a big fellow. I thought it was.”

Glew said, “Damn. This worked just fine a month ago.”

“I’ll tell you what,” I said. “We’ll try to get Glew’s gadget here back on track. In the meantime, we’ll ride around and see if we can’t spot this tall fellow. How does that sound?”

Ms. Shelly watched Glew. Then she pushed her hair back and glanced at me. She said, “All right.”

Then she walked back into her house.

Glew scooted into his passenger seat and kept fidgeting with his phone. I drove us down the street. I’ll bet the yards looked no different twenty years ago- same fences and green lawns made up of weeds. I’d even bet that these older folks didn’t look much different twenty years ago either. In fact, I do believe I rode through here as a younger man and saw Ms. Shelly once before although I can’t be sure. I think it was, though. Something about her demeanor brings up memories of riding through here with my nanny, especially around Christmas time.

I pulled into a driveway on the next street over. “Keep working, Glew.”

Glew paid me no mind, still lost in figuring out that blasted app. I left him sitting there with the car idling. A man walked up the next street over. He stood taller than myself and when he turned his profile toward me, I could swear he might be a cousin of mine although obviously, he didn’t possess my handsomeness nor my ruggedness. Not even close. Not to insult the man, but…

Not even close.

Anyway, I walked along behind him, keeping twenty feet between us. He kept his hands in his pockets, stopping now and then and staring at a house for a few moments. Then he’d walk on. He also wore a shirt that probably cost him a lot of money. I don’t know clothing brands too well but it smelled of money if that makes any sense. Bright colors and a rare design maybe?

Wow.

This started to feel like following myself. I stopped sometimes and took things in the way this guy did. Of course, a good burglar should take things in but I don’t know. Maybe it’s pure instinct but nothing happened in my gut that made me think he was up to something. He seemed like a guy who just wanted to walk down the street and observe. Houses. Maybe he was in real estate?

I’d made it nearly to the end of the street when the man crossed over and started up the other side. This guy definitely wanted to walk. This wasn’t a necessary task for him. But lots of folks walk for pleasure. Ah, I shook my head. Was I making excuses for the guy because he looked like me?

I had to focus. Someone stole Ms. Shelly’s music box. This guy could easily be the one. He could be the type to walk into Belk and then smile to the woman behind the counter and put everybody at ease before slipping on that high-dollar shirt and sneaking out the side door. Then he walks up and down these streets and sees her working in her yard. Maybe he saw her enter her house without the key. He does this a few times, making sure it’s a pattern and not just a one-time thing. One day, she’s out there and the timing is just right. He walks straight inside back to her bedroom where the music box sits, waiting to be plucked. The guy slips out and walks home. He jumps on eBay and sells the music box for half the price and pockets the cash and then keeps on walking so that no one would think it could be him. Who would be dumb enough to return to the scene of the crime?

Ah.

The man hunkered down behind a hydrangea bush. I paused. A young lady watered her flower garden in her front yard. The man stayed low there, watching her. Yes, sir. He’s watched a lot of folks just like this. He’s probably seeing whether or not she locks her door when going in and out of her house. If he’s our guy, this shouldn’t be hard. He’s always walking around. He’ll have to lead us to his home eventually.

What in the world?

The young woman turns from her garden and steps around the hydrangea bush with her water hose in hand and sprays the man!

How did she know?

The man shields himself with his hands. The young lady laughs and stops spraying. Given the chill in the air, the guy has every right to be mad. However, the man smiles and approaches her. She slaps his arm in a playful way. They speak for a while. It all seems pleasant. The man starts to leave but she tells him to hold on. She runs inside and returns with a towel. He dabs himself dry. After she gives him a hug and a kiss on the cheek that lasts longer than I expected, he goes on about his walk.

She sprays her garden, looking back over her shoulder. I walk by her place. The guy is turns the corner up ahead.

“Hey, there!”

I turn. The young lady stares at me. I’m already looking back at her. So I grin. “Howdy, ma’am.”

She slides her glasses up her nose while she walks over to me. Her black hair hangs to her shoulders. She’s still holding the hose, almost like a potential weapon when she says, “How long have you been following Bo?”

I look ahead. The man has turned the corner. I look back at her. “Just today. His name is Bo?”

She lowers the hose. “Super nice guy. He’s been walking by my house here for months. Why are you following him?”

I shove my hands in my pockets. “Why does he always walk around and look at the houses around here?”

She smiles at me. I smile back. She sets the hose down and then ties her black hair back and picks the hose back up with the nozzle aimed toward my boots. She says, “Why are you following him?”

I look down the street. “Someone around here thinks that he may have robbed them.”

She chuckles. “Bo?”

I shrug.

She says, “I don’t think so.”

I say, “I get that you like him. Maybe have a crush on him.”

She leans her chin up.

I say, “But we can’t let that interfere here.”

She says, “A crush? Nah. I like him. He’s a nice guy but I don’t know. I don’t think he wants anybody. He’s a loner.”

This guy was too much like me. Maybe he is a distant cousin.

She says, “And a thief? Nah. He has this really stressful job. I think he’s a engineer maybe? He walks around down here to de-stress. I’ve seen him have panic attacks so bad that he has to lie down.”

“I see.”

“And did you see that Gucci shirt?” she says. “No way he doesn’t make enough money.”

“I’m sure you’re right. Thank you.”

She sprays her hose near me. A collection of drops cover a spot beside my boot.

I stop.

“Hey, now you answer me some questions, pal.”

I hold my hands up like this is a bank robbery. “Yes, ma’am?”

“What got stolen?”

I say, “A music box.”

“I don’t think Bo would steal that.”

I say, “I don’t either. See you.”

She sprays again, making the wet spot double in size.

I’ve leaned into a step away but I stop.

She says, “Who accused him?”

I sigh. “It’s not important.”

“Come on, now,” she says. “Tell me the accuser and I’ll let you leave.”

I say, “Eh.”

She sprays again, covering the ground on the other side of my boots. “You best talk.”

I say, “Ms. Shelly.”

“Ms. Shelly?”

“Yeah,” I say. “She lives on the next street.”

“Oh I know where that thing lives.”

I nearly choke. I clear my throat and say, “What?”

She sprays my boots until they’re soaked.

Thank God for waterproof footwear.

She says, “You’ve got some damn nerve, coming around here and accusing poor Bo of something because of a bunch of lies that old harpy filled your head with.”

I say, “I didn’t mean-

She sprays up into the air and then cuts the hose off, leaving a stream collapsing to the grass. “What a world we live in where good people get accusations and old bitches like her have apes like you running around spying on the only decent guy left. Get away from me!”

She sprays the crotch of my pants. So I take off. Half-way down the street, Glew pulls up. “Wow. Go swimming?”

“I wish.”

“My app’s working again. Hop in,” Glew said.

I got into his car. “So what did you find out?”

He said, “The tracker lands us right about…”

After pulling back onto Ms. Shelly’s street, he reached the third house up which sat about seven houses down from Ms. Shelly’s.

“…here.”

He parked by the curb. I took a look. “So it’s in there? You run the address?”

Glew said, “Um-hhmm. Check it out.”

The app produced the thief’s profile- Mrs. Ginger Rourke, widow, aged 68.

I said, “Are you kidding me?’

Glew said, “I looked up possible family but they don’t live around here-not on record at least.”

“So this old lady stole the music box from Ms. Shelly. But why?”

We picked her lock and entered the place. No one was home. So we took a seat and waited. I snapped my fingers. Glew said, “What?”

“When we were kids, we rode through this neighborhood. It was Christmas time,” I said. “We passed by Ms. Shelly’s house.”

Glew picked his teeth, watching me.

“She wore this scowl when we passed by. I remember I waved but she stared after us. My nanny cussed her when we turned off the street.”

“Huh,” Glew said.

We sat there for an hour before she pulled her tiny car into her driveway and walked inside. Glew flipped on the living room light. She put a hand over her mouth. Glew waved at her. She looked at me. I held up both music boxes. “So you like taking music boxes?”

She looked back at Glew. “What are you doing in my house? I’ll call the police!”

“Why did you take the music boxes?” I said.

She wouldn’t look at me. Instead she pulled out her cell phone and dialed some numbers. She put the phone to her ear. Then she watched us. We watched back. She spoke into the phone, “Um, yes. That’s right. I…need the police here right away. There are two armed men in my living room. They’re trying to rob me.”

We didn’t move.

She slipped her phone back into her pocket. “Okay. We’ll see.”

She sat in a chair and turned away from us. A minute later, she turned back to us. “Well…she shouldn’t have that.”

I said, “Why shouldn’t she?”

“That box plays ‘You Are My Sunshine’,” she said. “That old witch has never been anybody’s sunshine. She’s a cursed moon. That’s what she is.”

I said, “Maybe but why steal from her? It’s wrong.”

Mrs. Rourke shook her head. “She’s mean. She shouldn’t have nice things. It should sit here in my house for me. I’m not mean. My family isn’t mean. My friends aren’t mean. Pleasant things should be around pleasant people. I can’t believe you two brutes would take it from me. Oh…”

I left her house. Glew followed me. We drove down the street to Ms. Shelly’s house and knocked on her door. She answered a minute later. She invited us inside. I sat at her kitchen table. She had her hair in pink curlers and wore a brown robe. “What is it?”

Glew set the music boxes on the dining table. She patted the original music box. “There it is.”

Glew said, “Doesn’t that make you happy?”

Ms. Shelly grabbed her purse. She handed over two one-hundred dollar bills. We each took one. “Aren’t you happy now?” Glew said. “Doesn’t that box bring you joy?”

She placed her purse back on the counter. “Y’all should be going on now.”

I walked toward the front door. Glew stayed in the dining room. “So, you aren’t happy that we got it back for you? Don’t you want to know who stole it?”

She said, “Young man, you did your work and I paid you. Now get your tail out of my house.”

“Don’t be grateful or anything.”

“I don’t have to be grateful. I don’t have to do shit,” she said.

I chuckled.

“Come on, Ms. Shelly,” Glew said. “Doesn’t having the music box back make you a little happy?”

“Oh, what difference does that make to anybody? I asked you to find it for me. It was mine and I should get it back. You did and I paid you. Get out.”

“We don’t usually do these things for money,” Glew said.

She snapped her fingers. “Give it back then.”

“It’s just, you don’t seem like you’re happy about this. Or anything. Your neighbors say you’re not that pleasant to be around. Your sister says you’re never happy.”

She said, “And what’s she going to do about it?”

“Nothing. She just wonders why you’re-

“Why I’m a bitch?” she said.

I stepped toward the door, pulling at Glew’s sleeve.

Glew said, “Oh, I wouldn’t-

“Oh I know you wouldn’t.” She held up her hands. “None of you would ever speak your mind. Well, I do. I was being nice to you boys but even y’all won’t let me be that way.” She pointed to Glew. “I think you’re a skinny nancy boy.” She pointed to me. “And you are a filthy hillbilly that should live beneath a trailer park.” She turned back to Glew. “Now, I didn’t say anything. I was being cordial but you couldn’t leave it alone. No one leaves it alone these days. You ask for it? You got it.”

“Maybe I’ll tell you something, then,” Glew said.

She leaned forward. “Just go right ahead, little boy!”

I dragged Glew out of her house. He grabbed the handle but I pushed him back and yelled through the door, “Thanks a lot!”

Then I guided him toward his car. We got inside. I drove us away, making sure to lock the doors. Glew said, “Can you believe how hateful she is?”

“She’s not a ball of sunshine.”

“You’d think she would show a little gratitude.”

I said, “She did pay us. I mean, really, she’s right.”

“Maybe people like that should get ripped off for spreading misery.”

I said, “Nah.”

“Why not?”

“People shouldn’t be punished for their feelings or opinions,” I said. “Hell, she didn’t do anything to you.”

“Yeah, but it’s like Mrs. Rourke said. Anybody that spreads misery like that…shouldn’t have nice things.”

“Should we go back and steal the music box and take it to Mrs. Rourke?”

“Yeah,” Glew said. “Maybe. Well, I don’t know. Maybe we could just…throw a baseball through her window.”

I pulled over. “You know, that other lady sprayed me with a hose for saying bad things. Mrs. Rourke stole from Ms. Shelly because she said unpleasant things. Now you want to break her window because she wasn’t happy to get her property back? When did words start hurting you all so badly?”

“It’s just…we went through a lot to get that back. She could’ve at least acted like she was happy.”

I shook my head. “Bunch of sissies.”

“Oh, is that right, Fairfax? Sissies huh? Maybe we’re just receptive. We know how that negativity wears away on a person. You watch people all day long but you don’t even notice how those hateful words can form a cloud over a person. Geez!”

I didn’t say a word for the rest of the way to Glew’s apartment. When I pulled in, I looked at him. “You know something?”

Glew said, “What?”

I waited.

He looked at me.

I pointed at his chest. “That’s the nicest tie I’ve ever seen.”

Glew peered down at it. “Hey, thank…”

He thought back to his story about the high school thief and noticed my grin.

He said, “Go to hell.”

I placed my new hundred dollar bill in my wallet, got in my truck and drove away.

Pass It On

I bit a good chunk out of my cheeseburger while Glew slurped his milkshake. He focused on it to the point that I thought his head might bust right there in the diner. We sat at a booth near the back. A few other folks took up more booths while eight or nine folks occupied most of the bar chairs. I washed my burger down with coffee. “Don’t strain, Glew.”

Glew kept slurping. Our waitress brought the check. I reached for it but Glew beat me to it. I said, “Come on, now. You’ve got the last ten.”

Glew let go of the straw and took a breath. “Well, you know how it is. Given your clothes, you’re not worried about appearances. But when you’re a ladies man like myself, you have to show them a little something and every lady loves a man who will pick up a check.”

I rubbed my chin. “You keep going and you’re going to be writing child support checks…ladies man.”

Glew swallowed. “Why do you say that? Did somebody tell you something?”

I took another bite of the cheeseburger and shrugged. “I don’t like to gossip…”

He studied me for a moment. Then he removed his credit card from his wallet and placed it on the check. I said, “But…”

“But? But what? What are you talking about, George?”

I chuckled. “George? You must be worried. Ain’t nothing wrong with a child. You can pass on your fine lineage of skirt-chasing.”

“Come on, man. You don’t just open up that door and…oh…”

The young lady scooted her chair up to our booth. She sat down as if she were a nurse trying her best not to disturb her sleeping patients. I almost her to be holding reading material. Her hands were empty but they shook. She stared at her lap. I said, “Um…ma’am…”

The waitress came by and got the check along with Glew’s credit card. The girl kept her eyes down. I found myself playing along until the waitress dropped the check off and carried a tea pitcher toward another booth. I said, “So, um…what can we do for you, ma’am?”

She mumbled something. Glew said, “How’s that, miss?”

The girl looked at me. I stared into her eyes. She glanced over at Glew and then back at me. Her bottom lip trembled. “Okay. You…you two guys…I…somebody said that you guys could…”

We waited for her to continue. After a solid minute, I said, “Ma’am, I don’t know what-

She leaned forward, keeping her voice low but loud enough for me to hear. “Joe’s Storage.”

I looked at Glew who snapped his fingers. “Just down the road a ways. Right?”

The girl nodded. After looking Glew over a while, she turned back to me. “My boyfriend has been selling power drills out of a unit there. He got them from Roy’s Hardware.”

I pointed at her. “I know that place. So you’re saying he-

She nodded. “The number to his unit is 63. Here’s the key.”

She slid a key across the table next to my hand. “Just set him right.”

I said, “Ma’am, I don’t know who you’ve been talking to…ma’am?”

She walked out of the diner. I looked over at Glew. “What do you think?”

Glew said, “That’s the power of reputation. Let’s go.”

I said, “This ain’t good, man. The next thing we know, some blue boys might get after us.”

Glew stood and smoothed his shirt out. “Maybe. Come on. We’ll check it out.”

I shook my head. “I don’t feel too good about this. I mean, who was she? How does she know? Who told?”

Glew wiped a crumb off my shirt. “Take it easy, stud. When you help people, others talk. It happens. We’ll just check it out.”

I shrugged. “When they lock us up, you get bottom bunk.”

We headed for the door.

He said, “Fine. Now, what did you hear about me and child support?”

I turned back to him. “Well, it’s probably nothing.”

“Oh, come on. Probably nothing? What does that mean?”

I drove us over to Joe’s Storage. We idled through the rows. The units were about eight feet long apiece. Long rows of blue metal doors. I figured they were filled up with old junk and maybe a few decent pieces of furniture. We found number 63. I examined the key. Glew said, “Well, we could check it out. There’s no tail or anything.”

I scratched my cheek. “I don’t know, man.”

Glew said, “It’s up to you.”

I said, “Let’s sleep on it.”

I dropped Glew off and took my time getting home. I stayed up, mulling the idea over. The police didn’t scare me in this matter. I couldn’t picture them being bent out of shape over us roughing up a thief. I’m sure rumors had floated around about us but we hadn’t caused chaos in the streets by any means. Any people we straightened out would not be going to the police. So, I couldn’t picture any trouble from them, although you never know.

But who was this girl? And who told her about us? Was this a set-up? Did we already have a run-in with the boyfriend? She didn’t give us much. We could just walk away. Still, I knew Roy, owner of Roy’s Hardware. Roy and his wife were pleasant people who always met me with a smile. I could definitely beat this boyfriend down for robbing them. So I called up Glew the next night. He picked me up and we rode back over. We took a car Glew usually keeps parked at his parents’ house. It’s an older model that he only brings out for such jobs now and then. I mean, after all, the storage place could have cameras.

Street lights lit up Joe’s storage. We parked in front of unit 63 which unfortunately could be seen from the road. Of course, how often do passing cars pay attention? We zipped up our hooded sweatshirts, threw our hoods over our heads and stepped out of the car. I inserted the key the girl gave me into the lock and turned.

I looked behind us. No cars or people approached. I stood and surveyed the area. Glew said, “Wow. For real?”

I hunkered down and tried the lock again-nothing. I scratched my head. Glew said, “Maybe she got confused?”

We could drive off. But then, Roy and his wife had lost some tools. They didn’t deserve to suffer because this girl gave us the wrong key. I reached into my pocket and pulled out my picking tools. Glew kept watch while I worked the lock. Glew said, “We’ve got a visitor, stud.”

I let go of the lock and untied my boot. After peering across my shoulder at the car stopped at the entrance, I shrugged. “If it’s him, he’s made us and he’ll do something.”

Glew said, “Right.”

The car pulled by our row and onto another. I got back on the lock until it opened. Then I lifted the unit door. Glew shined his flashlight inside. “Do what?”

Shelves lined the walls, all covered up with power drills. At least twenty more sat in the center of the room on the floor. Glew said, “Wow.”

I said, “Let’s get to it, then.”

Glew popped the trunk lid and opened the back passenger door of the car. I grabbed the biggest stack I could off the floor and placed them in the back seat. We passed each other, loading up what must have been fifty power drills. After ten minutes, the backseat sat full to the brim as did the trunk. Then the white car roared up to our bumper. I shut the passenger door and trunk.

The boyfriend stood six feet five inches tall, wearing a white T-shirt and white jeans. He sprung from the driver’s side and raced around to his own trunk where he removed a wooden bat and brandished it in the air. A passenger stepped out. The man wore gray at his temples but he looked like an older, thicker version of the first man. He didn’t carry any weapons but he filled out his brown shirt with a lot of muscle.

White Shirt bolted at me with the bat, taking a wild swing. I took a quick step to my left and ducked under the attack. From there, I tackled White Shirt hard enough so that he fell back into Brown Shirt. Brown Shirt did not budge. The both of us bounced off him. Brown Shirt gripped my neck with hands that could wrap around a tree trunk. My head tightened like it would pop.

Fizzzziiitt.

Glew’s pepper spray hit Brown Shirt in the face. He eased up on my neck just enough. I wiggled free of his grip and laid into his square jaw with a left hook. Brown Shirt’s head moved but my hand thumped from the impact. White Shirt sprang up and jumped at Glew who sprayed the pepper spray at him but missed, dropping the can. I dodged a slap from Brown Shirt and retaliated with a right-handed punch smack on his nose. Brown Shirt paused, blinking his eyes. I grabbed the pepper spray off the pavement and gave him a second dose. Brown Shirt stumbled back, rubbing his face and sneezing.

When I turned to Glew, he and White Shirt wrestled on the pavement. I grabbed White Shirt’s ankle and pulled him off of Glew. White Shirt spun his body around and grabbed my…well…private area.

“Aaahhh!!!”

I dropped down onto my knees and shoved White Shirt’s bald dome into the pavement until he let go. Then I pressed down more, hoping for a pop. Glew pulled me off of him. When I stood up, I kicked White Shirt in the jaw. Brown Shirt grabbed me from behind. Glew pulled out his club and caught the bigger man in the temple. He let me go and stumbled back until he leaned on the car. Glew jumped into the driver’s side of his car. I hobbled to the passenger side and slid in. We took off.

Thump.

I checked the side mirror before we turned the corner. White Shirt rolled around on the pavement, screaming and holding his arm. Glew said, “What did we hit?”

My groin throbbed. I winced. “Good job, Glew.”

“Now, that’s something I don’t hear everyday. To Roy’s?”

“To Roy’s.”

Glew drove a little higher than the speed limit until I warned him to slow down. With fifty stolen power drills in the car with us, I didn’t see any intelligence in getting pulled over. Glew did as instructed. A half an hour later, we pulled up to Roy’s Hardware. The place sat empty and dark. Glew sighed. “Should we come back tomorrow?”

I took a deep breath. “Pull around to the back.”

Glew said, “Aw, man. I have a date later.”

Holding onto my groin, I gave Glew a look.

He said, “Come on, man. I need to work on my lineage…even if your chances for a lineage just went down.” He glanced at my lap and grinned. I shook my head. “Roy and his wife are good people. We have to do this.”

He threw up his hands in surrender and drove around to the back. We got out and piled the boxes of power drills up against the back wall of the store. Glew told me that he didn’t see any cop cars drive by. I didn’t bother to look. Once we got them all out there, Glew drove us to a motel across the street where we had a clear view of the drills. Glew said, “You know, I could have her swing by and then we go to her house and she has me back in an hour.”

I said, “Go ahead.”

Glew dialed some numbers on his phone. I kept watch over the boxes, denying myself any looks at my watch. There would be plenty of temptations for the next nine hours to do so but we didn’t steal these just to see them go right back. White Shirt and Brown Shirt could return and reclaim Roy’s property anytime.

Glew shut his phone. I looked at him. He said, “You know, that girl. The one who told us about the job. I never saw her before.”

“You mean there’s a woman within a thousand miles that you’ve never seen?”

He said, “Right? And yet, she came to us to tell us about this. She knows what we do. That means other people know now. Does that scare you a little?”

I shifted in my seat. “It was bound to happen I reckon.”

He said, “What about enemies though? She could tell those two things we fought back there. She could tell them our names. Where we live and all.”

I shrugged. “We handled them back there. We can handle them again.”

“Yeah, but one against two?”

I said, “That’s life.”

He opened his phone. Then he shut it again.

“What do you mean?”

I rubbed my nose. “Every one of us is supposed to fight more than one thing every day. We got family obligations and work obligations and friend things and recreation things. We’re hit from all sides. Bills don’t stop needing to be paid. Girlfriends don’t stop worrying or complaining. Bosses don’t stop demanding. It’s life, Glew. We’ve all got numerous attackers day in and night out.”

“So you’re saying we’ll be okay?”

I said, “I’m saying how it is. We will be okay until we ain’t and then, if we have anything left, we’ll pick up and be okay until we ain’t again. We’re going to do that over and over until it’s over. Hell, let them come after us. I’m going to take their balls next time.”

Glew let out a chuckle. Then he fell into a laugh. “I love your spirit, stud! Yes, sir. To hell with her. I’ll camp out with you. We have something going here.”

“Damn right, hoss.”

The sun inched its way from the heavens, its rays lighting up Roy’s Hardware store’s black and red sign. Roy himself and his wife pulled up to the back at seven o’clock on the dot. When they spotted the drills, they examined them and talked for a while, wondering how such a thing could happen. They looked around the lot and eventually in our direction. Glew scrunched down in his seat, but I just watched. Roy took hold of his wife and hugged her. They must have embraced for five full minutes, wiping each other’s tears away.

I said, “Just like them, Glew.”

Glew rose and looked at them. I said, “Things were not all right for them a few days ago. Now they are again.”

Glew wiped his eyes. “It’s a real sight to see.”

I said, “I’ll drive home.”

Glew yawned. “You sure?”

I hobbled around to the driver’s side. Glew slid over. I drove us across the street to Roy’s Hardware and pulled around back. Glew said, “Hang on, now. What are you doing?”

I pulled up a few feet from Roy who turned toward me with a couple of drill boxes in his hands. I said, “Howdy.”

Roy focused on us. “Hello? George?”

I nodded. “You’re welcome.”

Roy’s mouth dropped open. I drove us away. Glew said, “You think that was a good idea?”

I said, “Yes, sir. We’re passing on a lineage.”

“To who?”

I said, “To the world.”

Indefinite Sentence

Glew’s client suspected Roger Oswell of swindling a few choice items from his office. Glew tailed the sixty-something Roger to the park. I rode along out of curiosity. We followed Roger along through the walkways of the park, occasionally glancing at the large lake behind it all. Roger pointed out the birds and other wildlife to his grandson who appeared to be around five years old. Roger patted the boy on the head and then pulled out his camera. He tried to take a picture but it didn’t work out for him. When he fidgeted with the thing, a figured dressed in a yellow jacket snatched the grandson up in his arms and hurried away in the direction of the lake.

I trailed after Mr. Yellow and the boy, followed by Glew. A group of teenagers walked our way. I peered around them but I couldn’t see Mr. Yellow. I worked my way through the group. One girl said, “Look where you’re going, jerk.”

Sure. Some creep sneaks a kid right by you and you don’t notice that but I’m the one who doesn’t look where he’s…never mind.

I peered around the walkway which rose up five feet above the ground in some places. I could go left or right but this guy got that kid gone in a hurry. I peered through the boards of the walkway but I couldn’t see any yellow. So I took a left. Glew caught up to me, asking, “How did we lose him so fast?”

“Go back up the other way. Let me know on the cell.”

He said, “You got it” and sprinted away. I followed the walkway to a dead end. After a long look around, I listened. Mr. Yellow couldn’t have simply vanished.

“Hey, there.”

I turned. Roger walked toward me with the camera in his hand. “Mister, you seen a little boy out here?”

I opened my mouth. Then I saw it.

The tiniest sliver of yellow caught my eye through the trees. Mr. Yellow had removed his jacket in such a hurry that he popped up above the edge of the canoe he’d taken from the lake’s bank. I jumped off the walkway and ran toward the bank. Roger called out after me, “Hey there! Stop!”

I made it to the bank. One empty canoe bobbed in the water by the dock. That same group of teenagers stood over it with the girl who deemed me to be a jerk easing her foot down toward it. I jumped into the water and swam with all I had toward the canoe. When I reached it, the teenagers remained on the dock. I grabbed the edge of the dock and pulled myself up high enough and climbed into the canoe. The girl pointed at me. “What is it with this guy?” She turned. “Holy crap!”

Glew had dove in as well. I paddled over toward him. He climbed aboard. Roger yelled to us from the bank. “Hey there! Hold it right there!”

We paddled away with Mr. Yellow’s canoe lost among a group of five other canoes. Glew said, “Aw, man. Like a needle in a…”

“Lake,” I said. “Like a needle in a lake.”

A man with a back as wide as a refrigerator paddled one of the canoes. A woman with a silver ponytail steered the other. Similar-sized men paddled the others. Each one wore a cap and sunglasses along with a white T-shirt beneath a life jacket. I said, “One of them will trail away.”

Glew said, “We hope. Damn.”

I looked back behind us. Roger waded into the water. I shook my head. “What is it with this guy?”

We turned back to the three canoe paddlers up ahead. They formed a line, separated by ten feet each, almost in synchronization. I couldn’t see any differences in them. The one to the right paddled away, turning at a sharp angle. I slipped back into the water and pointed to it. “Follow them, Glew.”

Glew gave me a thumbs up sign. I swam toward the other two. The one on the left stopped in the water while the other kept going. So I swam up to the stopped one and took a look. A middle-aged man with a long goatee stared at me with his mouth open. He waved. “You forget your canoe?” Then he fell into a roaring laugh. So I swam hard toward the other canoe. The paddler sped on like he knew he was being chased. I pushed my arms until my muscles burned. Then Roger called out, “There!”

I turned back to Roger who swam along, every bit of sixty-plus. With each stroke, he pointed toward the forested hill ahead. “Up in there! He’s there on the bank!”

I wiped my eyes. The kidnapper dragged the boy along with the hand, pulling that cap off his head with the fake silver ponytail attached and shaking the water out of it. Damn, the guy couldn’t have weighed more than a hundred pounds.

I used broad strokes on my way to the bank. Then I bolted up through the trees. I stopped and looked both ways. Then I looked ahead of me. I stood, waiting and taking it all in. Still, no signs of the kidnapper or the boy. Where could they have gone?

Glew ran over to me. “Dead end?”

I opened my mouth when Roger clapped me on the shoulder with a wet hand. I turned back to him. The old guy huffed but to make it across that lake at his age meant something. I nodded. “They’re close.” I looked at Glew. “You go right and up.” I turned to Roger. “You go straight up. I’ll take the other way.”

Roger said, “You got it.”

Roger took large strides up the hill but he tripped and grabbed hold of a tree. I steadied him. “Maybe you should stay here. Keep an eye out.”

Roger shook his head while water and sweat cascaded down his red cheeks. “No, sir. We find the boy. Nothing else matters.”

I smiled and made my own way up the hill, pausing to listen every few steps. I passed through the army of towering oaks. What was this kidnapper’s plan? Obviously he thought this one out. It was not a spur of the moment type of job. He had a plan. I pulled myself up by the trunk of an oak. The hill dropped off into a gully. I yelled out, “Hey, Rog…I mean, hey sir! What’s the boy’s name?”

Roger yelled, “Eli!”

I yelled the boy’s name across the gully. Then I walked down to my left until the gully dropped off, steadily calling the boy’s name out. When I reached flat ground, I waited. “Eli?”

A buzzard hissed from ten yards away. I spat and headed back up the hill. When I reached the center of the gully, I called, “Eli!”

Roger followed mine up with his own call. Glew followed suit a few calls later. Then I found the end of the gully and walked on ahead where the ground leveled out. Roger called out to the boy again.

“Papa?”

Glew bolted toward the voice up ahead. Roger did the same although he trailed a good ways behind. Roger knew his grandson’s voice. If they found the boy up ahead, the kidnapper was either with him or he’d let him go and now hid somewhere. I took a few steps. Then I stopped. I repeated this routine, inching my way along. Roger called out, “Hallelujah!!”

Glew said, “We found him!!”

I peered around, but I saw nothing out of place. I wiped my nose and stepped toward them.

Sniff.

I stopped. Ah, yes, sir. The spring brings heat and it also brings allergies. I braced myself against an oak. I must have waited five minutes, my nose running and fighting off the urge to sneeze.

Sniff.

I walked ten feet to the oak. I stepped around to the hidden side of it. It had been hollowed out. Inside there, sat the kidnapper scrunched up with fear pulsing through his blue eyes. I studied him. He smiled. I smiled back. Then I smashed him in the jaw with a right hand.

Bop!

The kidnapper went out like a bulb popping. Roger carried the boy toward me while Glew trailed behind. Roger huffed his way over and set the boy down. He pulled up his pants and pointed to the kidnapper. “This him. Huh?”

I said, “Yes, sir.”

Glew raced up and took a good look at the kidnapper. Roger slapped the kidnapper around until he stirred although he remained asleep. Roger stood and spat on the man. “You fellows watch him. I’ll get the police.”

I stopped Roger. “Actually, I think it’s best we don’t involve them.”

Roger took a step back, pulling his arm back to strike me. I held up my hands. “Listen, now. It’s best that we take this guy. We have a place for him that’s much worse than prison.”

Roger studied us over, one at a time. “Who are you fellows anyway?”

Glew said, “We’ve been following you, Roger.”

Roger stepped back, his hand on Eli. “And why have you been doing that?”

I said, “You took a few items from your workplace. You need to give them back.”

Roger looked at the ground. “Ah, hell.”

Glew crossed his arms. “That’s right.”

Roger pulled out his cell phone and tried to turn it on but nothing happened. He scratched his head and stepped over a few feet and kept his eyes on Eli. We stepped over with him, keeping our eyes on Eli as well. Roger said, “Hell, boys. Times have been tough. If I can just make my mortgage payment…”

I said, “How much?”

Roger tried to turn on the phone again.

Glew said, “How much, Roger?”

Roger shrugged. “Five hundred.”

I said, “We can help you with that.”

Roger looked at me. I cut my eyes at him and then back at Eli. He did the same. “Well, I’d appreciate that.”

I said, “Take Eli home. Give my friend here your address and we’ll bring you the cash. But come Monday, you make sure those items return to your boss’s office. We’ll put in a good word for you so you can keep your job. If he fires you anyway, just let us know. We’ll help you out.”

Roger wiped his face. “Thank you so much.”

I looked at Roger. “But don’t you ever steal from that place again.”

Roger bowed. “You have my word.” He pointed to the kidnapper. “What are you going to do to him?”

Two weeks later, I rode with Glew out to a little two acre property he’d bought a year or so back. We walked through a forest until we came to a clearing. Glew unlocked a door in the ground and opened it up. I stood back, ready for whatever the kidnapper might be planning for us. After a moment, we climbed down into the hatch of the underground bunker with our pistols drawn. We shined our flashlights on the worthless lump in the corner. He sat there, holding his knees with a collection of empty water bottles, cracker boxes, bean cans and Goober boxes strewn around him. Glew emptied the waste bucket in the corner and placed bags of bottled water, canned goods and candy bars on the floor. The kidnapper shook, shielding his eyes. “What are you going to do to me? How long do I have to stay down here?”

Glew said, “What is it with this guy?”

I said, “How long were you going to keep Eli?”

The kidnapper closed his eyes. I turned to Glew. “Do you think he’s ready?”

Glew smacked his lips. “I really don’t.”

The kidnapper looked up, his lips trembling. “Oh please. Please, let me out. I’ll never do this again. I swear to you! Never!”

I said, “Is that right? Do you pinky swear? Is that what you got Eli to do to keep quiet while you were carrying him off to God knows where?”

The kidnapper shook his head. “I didn’t mean any harm.”

Glew scoffed. “He’s not ready.”

I shook my head. “No, he’s not.”

The kidnapper yelled after us as we climbed out of the bunker. “Please! I pinky swear! My sister must be going crazy worrying about me!”

I leaned my head back in. “Yeah, that happens when you get kidnapped. Everything just stops. I mean, the world doesn’t. Just your world. Think about that. You got time.”

We closed up the hatch. Through the sun roof, we watched him stay in the same position, shaking his head.

Roger returned the stolen items to his boss. Unfortunately, his boss gave him two options- quit and finish out his two weeks or get fired. Roger chose the latter and he’d sent out his resumes. We helped him hang onto his house. I said, “What do you say we hire Roger to be a prison guard out here until he can find new work?”

Glew smiled. “Sounds good to me, stud.”

I said, “We’ll let Roger decide on the length of the sentence.”

We shared a laugh and drove away.

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Metal Memento

I pulled my ringing phone from my pocket and checked it- Glew. I flipped it open. “What’s up, killer?”

Glew took a few breaths. “Hey, stud. I need your…assistance.”

“Shoot.”

He took a long breath. “A client of mine has a pest. This guy has stolen two packages off her porch. I swung by a while ago and watched it for her since she’s at work. I had a Nutty Buddy. You know, I think they’re making them bigger these days. They usually leave me feeling a bit-”

“Glew. What about the thief?”

Glew coughed. “Oh right. He just ripped off two packages I put there. Now she’s missing an I-pad and an Elvis Presley painting that he swiped two days ago. The idiot hit the same house in the same week. I’m on his tail on the highway. Gear up and call me back.”

“You got it.”

I hung up my phone and locked up my shop and house. I filled my thermos with coffee and jumped into my car. I called him back twenty minutes later and caught up to him. When he pulled into the driveway located one house up from the thief’s, I pulled onto the shoulder of the road and climbed out with my phone pressed to my ear. “All right. I’m circling around back. Just give me five minutes.”

Glew said, “Work your magic. He’s too busy putting up his loot to pay us attention just yet.”

The neighbor’s house sat vacant as far as I could tell. So I cut through their yard and pressed my back up to the side wall of the thief’s house. I hunkered down near the corner.

Glew pulled into his driveway ten minutes later. He sported a pair of coveralls and removed a seeder from his trunk. Then he pulled a baseball cap on his head with the words “Lonny Lawn Service” adorned on the front. After placing ear buds into his ears, he made three rows across the yard with the seeder before the thief stepped out of his house. He yelled, “Hey! What are you doing here?”

Glew kept at his seeding. The front door closed. I took a look at the neighbor’s house. A woman who looked around sixty watered a plant in the backyard. “Damn it.”

The thief came back out and walked onto the lawn. Glew kept at his seeding like nothing else in the world mattered. The thief looked back at the house. When he turned back toward Glew, I jumped over the porch rail and crept inside.

The living room looked standard- flat screen TV, sofa, love seat, a few pictures on the walls. He’d already stashed the loot somewhere out of sight. I peered through the window. The thief shook his head while Glew spoke to him. I darted into the hallway. A twin bed sat in the first bedroom. I checked the closet but found nothing. I slipped out.

In the second bedroom, I checked the closet and found two large brown packages. Right there on the floor beside them, the Elvis painting leaned against the wall while the I-pad lay on the floor, still in the box. I scooped them all up and crept out of the room.

One peek out the door revealed the thief pointing ahead while Glew scratched his head with his jaw gone slack. Sometimes Glew played the idiot part with too much conviction.

I rushed into the kitchen on to the dining room where I found the biggest window in the house. I slid it open and tossed the packages outside. Then I eased myself down and closed the window. I picked up the packages and stepped around to the side of the house where I bent down low, watching Glew still argue with the thief whose voice reached higher levels. “If you don’t leave, I don’t want to call the police. I don’t want to do it, man, but you best go now before I change my mind.”

Glew scratched his head. “Aw, you wouldn’t do that to me. Would you?”

The thief stood shorter than Glew but he squared up to him and pointed his finger in his face. “Get your ass off my lawn!”

Glew looked my way as he bent down and picked up his seeder. Then he turned his cap around to where it sat backwards on his head and got back in the guy’s face. “I’m going to take my business elsewhere, bub!”

A laugh escaped me. “Damn you, Glew.” A look toward the neighbor’s house choked me. The old woman pointed at me. She yelled but I couldn’t hear her. Damn, lady. Not now.

Glew loaded his seeder back into his trunk. The thief marched back into his house. When Glew turned on his ignition, I bolted across the neighbor’s lawn. By the time I got the packages loaded into my back seat, the little old woman made it to her front porch, pointing at me and yelling “Timothy! Timothy!” When I took off down the road in front of the thief or “Timothy’s”, house, he sprung onto the front porch, looking around. He looked over at the old woman and then at my car. He yelled at me and then ran back into his house while I pulled on down the road and turned left.

Glew pulled over a few streets down. I stopped and got out of my car. Glew popped his trunk. I moved the packages to Glew’s trunk and rapped on the fender. Glew took off. Then I popped my own trunk and removed the spare and the tire jack. I had the jack up under the car and the tire raised up off the ground when Timothy’s truck stopped behind me.

When Timothy reached me, I waved a hand. “Thank you, friend, but I’ve got this under control.”

Timothy spat at me when he said, “Where’s my shit?”

I picked up my tire iron and stood. After a twenty-second stare, Timothy averted his eyes. He took a few steps toward his truck and then peered back at me, squinting. I stared back at him until he found his way back into his truck and drove away.

After tossing the tire and tools back into my trunk, I took off down the road and called up Glew. “Howdy, partner. Looks like another job well done.”

Glew sighed. “I wish it was so, stud.”

“Damn. What is it?”

I stopped at a red light.

Glew said, “It turns out that she wanted a particular item back. A watch that her father gave her when she was a kid.”

“Aw now, Glew-”

“He gave it to her before he departed for Iraq. He never made it back.”

I sighed. A horn blew behind me. I took off in time to make the yellow light with the driver behind me stuck back there. I said, “We’ll wait a month and then hit him again.”

Glew said, “Looks like she needs it back by this weekend. Her mother’s visiting and it would break her heart to see that she didn’t still have it. And she will ask about it. She only visits now and then. In fact, she’s thinking her mom might have bad news.”

I said, “That’s a lot of conjecture.”

“I know it’s ridiculous, Fairfax. But we have done stuff like this before. What do you think?”

I scoffed. “Give me an hour. I’ll think of something.”

Night fell over Timothy’s house. I didn’t see any cop cars pull up or lingering around. The old lady neighbor might call a cop but Timothy wouldn’t. In fact, his truck did not sit in the driveway. Still, she could have called and warned the police and given them my description. A cruiser could be rolling around as we speak. I rode with Glew this time. He said, “I did a little digging. Timothy is Tim Moore. His folks ran a renovating business for years before retiring to Florida. Tim worked with them here and there but more or less seems content with doing nothing, along with the occasional theft. Maybe mommy and daddy are sending smaller checks these days.”

“Wow.”

He said, “Yeah. At least we’ve got the darkness covering us this time.”

I said, “If darkness doesn’t cover us, we always find it.”

Glew chuckled.

I said, “Circle around but don’t go far.”

“No, sir. I’m going to play interference. That old lady next door could be a problem.”

I said, “You know…I think you’re right. I’ll be up by that bush when I’m done.”

“You got it, stud. Should be out of there within an hour.”

I stepped out of Glew’s car, pulled on my mask and gloves and walked to Tim’s house. His gravel driveway sat empty. With no lights on inside, I figured that I could do as I pleased. However, I stepped around to each window first. Even a determined fellow can get bored enough to play on his phone and phones light up. After peering through every window, I saw nothing.

I removed my pick set from my belt and picked the back door lock with no trouble. I crept onto the third bedroom. Then I pulled out my own phone and cast the light across the floor. I searched the closet and then under the bed- nothing.

I returned to the living room where I looked under the sofa and the love seat and then I searched through his china cabinet. Still, I didn’t see anything.

In the kitchen, I searched through the cabinets and the pantry and then up under the sink as well. I’d been inside for fifteen minutes and turned up squat. So I eased the attic door down. I climbed the stairs but I paused at the top of them. A look outside revealed nothing. So I climbed on up. The attic sat as bare as the day he moved in. I shined my flashlight across the plywood slats all the way to the ends of the roof. This fellow sure knew how to hide a watch. That is, if he even still had the thing. He could have moved it by now without any problem. I climbed back down and eased the door on up. I leaned on the hall wall. Then I pulled my mask from my face and drew in a deep breath. I shifted my weight a bit. Then I felt it.

A bump protruded from the hall wall. A tiny imperfection in the drywall let me know all I needed to know. After all, Tim had a background in renovation. I removed a wallboard saw from my belt and felt around near the bump. I sawed through the wall until I formed a five inch by five inch square. I pried the mesh out and reached inside the hole. When I pulled the object out, I shined the phone light on it-the watch.

Plop.

I slipped the watch into my jacket pocket and bent over. I picked up a necklace from the floor there. A diamond dangled from it. This piece could bring a grand with ease. He went to all the trouble to hiding these but why? He could have moved them by now, I would think.

I slipped the necklace into my jean pocket and then slipped out the back door. Before I pulled it all the way to, the old woman’s voice creaked. “That’s right. Walk yourself right to us, young man.”

I turned. The old neighbor stood there with a revolver aimed at my stomach. Tim held Glew’s arm twisted up behind him. The old lady said, “Now you step yourself back inside, boy. You two have got yourself a heap of trouble now.”

Tim shoved Glew toward me. “They sure do, Aunt Rosa.”

Rosa said, “Get inside now!”

I stepped back into the kitchen. Glew followed behind me, whispering, “Sorry.”

I patted his back and stepped into the living room. Rosa said, “Uh-huh. Don’t you go any further than that. Turn on the light, Timothy.”

Tim did as she ordered. I stood there in the living room with my black mask covering my face and black gloves covering my hands but I’d never felt so naked. I said, “What’s the plan?”

Aunt Rosa took a seat at the dining table, keeping the revolver aimed at Glew. Tim crossed his arms and leaned back against the wall. “Look at you two now.”

Rosa lit a cigarette. “Show us what else you planned to steal off us.”

I said, “I didn’t-”

She aimed the revolver at my groin. “Just do as you’re told, young man.”

I swallowed. Then I blinked a few times. After a sigh, I removed the watch from my jacket pocket. Rosa snapped her fingers. Tim snatched the watch from my hand and gave it to her. Rosa examined the watch. “Oh my. This is a nice piece. You’re such a good boy, Timothy.”

I said, “This is a surprise. I thought you might call the police on me.”

Rosa chuckled and shook her head. “Shiiiiiiiiiiiiett.”

Glew and I shared a laugh. Tim’s smile faded. Rosa waved a hand. “The only time I called the law, that boy they sent out just tried to interrogate my bloomers. Law ain’t no law.”

She handed the watch back over to Tim. Then she smiled at me. “Now, young man. Give me the other thing you took.”

I opened my mouth.

She said, “Don’t give me that. There’s always something else. What else did you lift?”

Glew swallowed. I shrugged and removed the necklace. When I handed it over, Rosa paused. Tim brought his hands out of his pockets but he didn’t get any further, like a man walking through the arctic who’s just figured out he’s now frozen. Rosa stamped out her cigarette and clasped the necklace to her chest. She turned to Tim. “Timothy…oh Timothy…”

Tim said, “Aunt Rosa, I was keeping it safe. It was just-”

She set the revolver on the table. Then she peered at me and winked. I winked back. She smiled so big that I could swear twenty years left her face. A few seconds later, she gripped the necklace and the years all came back. She said, “You boys get on down the road.”

Tim said, “What? No way.”

He reached for the revolver but Rosa grabbed it first. “Go to your room, Timothy.”

“Aunt Rosa-”

She aimed the revolver at his foot. “Get to your room, boy. I won’t repeat it with words.”

Tim wore that same look from earlier in the day, like he wanted to do something but he knew he faced an opponent he would not defeat. With his head hung, he walked to the last bedroom and shut the door.

Aunt Rosa picked up the watch and held it in the air. “Give this back to whatever poor heart he broke.”

I walked by and grabbed the watch. When Glew and I reached the back door, she said, “Don’t you ever come back around here.”

We both said, “No, ma’am.”

In less than an hour, we reached Glew’s client’s house. She didn’t mind having late visitors. She still wore a shirt and jeans and smoky circles around her eyes. When we gave her the watch, she jumped and gave us each a kiss on the jaw accompanied with huge hugs.

She said, “Oh you men. You’re the best. But you can’t know how much a metal memento means to a lady.”

Glew said, “Well, um…”

I said, “Oh, ma’am. I’m pretty sure we do know.”

Thank you so much for reading!

Check out five more Fairfax & Glew tales in this collection…