Featured

Metal Memento

I pulled my ringing phone from my pocket and checked it- Glew. I flipped it open. “What’s up, killer?”

Glew took a few breaths. “Hey, stud. I need your…assistance.”

“Shoot.”

He took a long breath. “A client of mine has a pest. This guy has stolen two packages off her porch. I swung by a while ago and watched it for her since she’s at work. I had a Nutty Buddy. You know, I think they’re making them bigger these days. They usually leave me feeling a bit-”

“Glew. What about the thief?”

Glew coughed. “Oh right. He just ripped off two packages I put there. Now she’s missing an I-pad and an Elvis Presley painting that he swiped two days ago. The idiot hit the same house in the same week. I’m on his tail on the highway. Gear up and call me back.”

“You got it.”

I hung up my phone and locked up my shop and house. I filled my thermos with coffee and jumped into my car. I called him back twenty minutes later and caught up to him. When he pulled into the driveway located one house up from the thief’s, I pulled onto the shoulder of the road and climbed out with my phone pressed to my ear. “All right. I’m circling around back. Just give me five minutes.”

Glew said, “Work your magic. He’s too busy putting up his loot to pay us attention just yet.”

The neighbor’s house sat vacant as far as I could tell. So I cut through their yard and pressed my back up to the side wall of the thief’s house. I hunkered down near the corner.

Glew pulled into his driveway ten minutes later. He sported a pair of coveralls and removed a seeder from his trunk. Then he pulled a baseball cap on his head with the words “Lonny Lawn Service” adorned on the front. After placing ear buds into his ears, he made three rows across the yard with the seeder before the thief stepped out of his house. He yelled, “Hey! What are you doing here?”

Glew kept at his seeding. The front door closed. I took a look at the neighbor’s house. A woman who looked around sixty watered a plant in the backyard. “Damn it.”

The thief came back out and walked onto the lawn. Glew kept at his seeding like nothing else in the world mattered. The thief looked back at the house. When he turned back toward Glew, I jumped over the porch rail and crept inside.

The living room looked standard- flat screen TV, sofa, love seat, a few pictures on the walls. He’d already stashed the loot somewhere out of sight. I peered through the window. The thief shook his head while Glew spoke to him. I darted into the hallway. A twin bed sat in the first bedroom. I checked the closet but found nothing. I slipped out.

In the second bedroom, I checked the closet and found two large brown packages. Right there on the floor beside them, the Elvis painting leaned against the wall while the I-pad lay on the floor, still in the box. I scooped them all up and crept out of the room.

One peek out the door revealed the thief pointing ahead while Glew scratched his head with his jaw gone slack. Sometimes Glew played the idiot part with too much conviction.

I rushed into the kitchen on to the dining room where I found the biggest window in the house. I slid it open and tossed the packages outside. Then I eased myself down and closed the window. I picked up the packages and stepped around to the side of the house where I bent down low, watching Glew still argue with the thief whose voice reached higher levels. “If you don’t leave, I don’t want to call the police. I don’t want to do it, man, but you best go now before I change my mind.”

Glew scratched his head. “Aw, you wouldn’t do that to me. Would you?”

The thief stood shorter than Glew but he squared up to him and pointed his finger in his face. “Get your ass off my lawn!”

Glew looked my way as he bent down and picked up his seeder. Then he turned his cap around to where it sat backwards on his head and got back in the guy’s face. “I’m going to take my business elsewhere, bub!”

A laugh escaped me. “Damn you, Glew.” A look toward the neighbor’s house choked me. The old woman pointed at me. She yelled but I couldn’t hear her. Damn, lady. Not now.

Glew loaded his seeder back into his trunk. The thief marched back into his house. When Glew turned on his ignition, I bolted across the neighbor’s lawn. By the time I got the packages loaded into my back seat, the little old woman made it to her front porch, pointing at me and yelling “Timothy! Timothy!” When I took off down the road in front of the thief or “Timothy’s”, house, he sprung onto the front porch, looking around. He looked over at the old woman and then at my car. He yelled at me and then ran back into his house while I pulled on down the road and turned left.

Glew pulled over a few streets down. I stopped and got out of my car. Glew popped his trunk. I moved the packages to Glew’s trunk and rapped on the fender. Glew took off. Then I popped my own trunk and removed the spare and the tire jack. I had the jack up under the car and the tire raised up off the ground when Timothy’s truck stopped behind me.

When Timothy reached me, I waved a hand. “Thank you, friend, but I’ve got this under control.”

Timothy spat at me when he said, “Where’s my shit?”

I picked up my tire iron and stood. After a twenty-second stare, Timothy averted his eyes. He took a few steps toward his truck and then peered back at me, squinting. I stared back at him until he found his way back into his truck and drove away.

After tossing the tire and tools back into my trunk, I took off down the road and called up Glew. “Howdy, partner. Looks like another job well done.”

Glew sighed. “I wish it was so, stud.”

“Damn. What is it?”

I stopped at a red light.

Glew said, “It turns out that she wanted a particular item back. A watch that her father gave her when she was a kid.”

“Aw now, Glew-”

“He gave it to her before he departed for Iraq. He never made it back.”

I sighed. A horn blew behind me. I took off in time to make the yellow light with the driver behind me stuck back there. I said, “We’ll wait a month and then hit him again.”

Glew said, “Looks like she needs it back by this weekend. Her mother’s visiting and it would break her heart to see that she didn’t still have it. And she will ask about it. She only visits now and then. In fact, she’s thinking her mom might have bad news.”

I said, “That’s a lot of conjecture.”

“I know it’s ridiculous, Fairfax. But we have done stuff like this before. What do you think?”

I scoffed. “Give me an hour. I’ll think of something.”

Night fell over Timothy’s house. I didn’t see any cop cars pull up or lingering around. The old lady neighbor might call a cop but Timothy wouldn’t. In fact, his truck did not sit in the driveway. Still, she could have called and warned the police and given them my description. A cruiser could be rolling around as we speak. I rode with Glew this time. He said, “I did a little digging. Timothy is Tim Moore. His folks ran a renovating business for years before retiring to Florida. Tim worked with them here and there but more or less seems content with doing nothing, along with the occasional theft. Maybe mommy and daddy are sending smaller checks these days.”

“Wow.”

He said, “Yeah. At least we’ve got the darkness covering us this time.”

I said, “If darkness doesn’t cover us, we always find it.”

Glew chuckled.

I said, “Circle around but don’t go far.”

“No, sir. I’m going to play interference. That old lady next door could be a problem.”

I said, “You know…I think you’re right. I’ll be up by that bush when I’m done.”

“You got it, stud. Should be out of there within an hour.”

I stepped out of Glew’s car, pulled on my mask and gloves and walked to Tim’s house. His gravel driveway sat empty. With no lights on inside, I figured that I could do as I pleased. However, I stepped around to each window first. Even a determined fellow can get bored enough to play on his phone and phones light up. After peering through every window, I saw nothing.

I removed my pick set from my belt and picked the back door lock with no trouble. I crept onto the third bedroom. Then I pulled out my own phone and cast the light across the floor. I searched the closet and then under the bed- nothing.

I returned to the living room where I looked under the sofa and the love seat and then I searched through his china cabinet. Still, I didn’t see anything.

In the kitchen, I searched through the cabinets and the pantry and then up under the sink as well. I’d been inside for fifteen minutes and turned up squat. So I eased the attic door down. I climbed the stairs but I paused at the top of them. A look outside revealed nothing. So I climbed on up. The attic sat as bare as the day he moved in. I shined my flashlight across the plywood slats all the way to the ends of the roof. This fellow sure knew how to hide a watch. That is, if he even still had the thing. He could have moved it by now without any problem. I climbed back down and eased the door on up. I leaned on the hall wall. Then I pulled my mask from my face and drew in a deep breath. I shifted my weight a bit. Then I felt it.

A bump protruded from the hall wall. A tiny imperfection in the drywall let me know all I needed to know. After all, Tim had a background in renovation. I removed a wallboard saw from my belt and felt around near the bump. I sawed through the wall until I formed a five inch by five inch square. I pried the mesh out and reached inside the hole. When I pulled the object out, I shined the phone light on it-the watch.

Plop.

I slipped the watch into my jacket pocket and bent over. I picked up a necklace from the floor there. A diamond dangled from it. This piece could bring a grand with ease. He went to all the trouble to hiding these but why? He could have moved them by now, I would think.

I slipped the necklace into my jean pocket and then slipped out the back door. Before I pulled it all the way to, the old woman’s voice creaked. “That’s right. Walk yourself right to us, young man.”

I turned. The old neighbor stood there with a revolver aimed at my stomach. Tim held Glew’s arm twisted up behind him. The old lady said, “Now you step yourself back inside, boy. You two have got yourself a heap of trouble now.”

Tim shoved Glew toward me. “They sure do, Aunt Rosa.”

Rosa said, “Get inside now!”

I stepped back into the kitchen. Glew followed behind me, whispering, “Sorry.”

I patted his back and stepped into the living room. Rosa said, “Uh-huh. Don’t you go any further than that. Turn on the light, Timothy.”

Tim did as she ordered. I stood there in the living room with my black mask covering my face and black gloves covering my hands but I’d never felt so naked. I said, “What’s the plan?”

Aunt Rosa took a seat at the dining table, keeping the revolver aimed at Glew. Tim crossed his arms and leaned back against the wall. “Look at you two now.”

Rosa lit a cigarette. “Show us what else you planned to steal off us.”

I said, “I didn’t-”

She aimed the revolver at my groin. “Just do as you’re told, young man.”

I swallowed. Then I blinked a few times. After a sigh, I removed the watch from my jacket pocket. Rosa snapped her fingers. Tim snatched the watch from my hand and gave it to her. Rosa examined the watch. “Oh my. This is a nice piece. You’re such a good boy, Timothy.”

I said, “This is a surprise. I thought you might call the police on me.”

Rosa chuckled and shook her head. “Shiiiiiiiiiiiiett.”

Glew and I shared a laugh. Tim’s smile faded. Rosa waved a hand. “The only time I called the law, that boy they sent out just tried to interrogate my bloomers. Law ain’t no law.”

She handed the watch back over to Tim. Then she smiled at me. “Now, young man. Give me the other thing you took.”

I opened my mouth.

She said, “Don’t give me that. There’s always something else. What else did you lift?”

Glew swallowed. I shrugged and removed the necklace. When I handed it over, Rosa paused. Tim brought his hands out of his pockets but he didn’t get any further, like a man walking through the arctic who’s just figured out he’s now frozen. Rosa stamped out her cigarette and clasped the necklace to her chest. She turned to Tim. “Timothy…oh Timothy…”

Tim said, “Aunt Rosa, I was keeping it safe. It was just-”

She set the revolver on the table. Then she peered at me and winked. I winked back. She smiled so big that I could swear twenty years left her face. A few seconds later, she gripped the necklace and the years all came back. She said, “You boys get on down the road.”

Tim said, “What? No way.”

He reached for the revolver but Rosa grabbed it first. “Go to your room, Timothy.”

“Aunt Rosa-”

She aimed the revolver at his foot. “Get to your room, boy. I won’t repeat it with words.”

Tim wore that same look from earlier in the day, like he wanted to do something but he knew he faced an opponent he would not defeat. With his head hung, he walked to the last bedroom and shut the door.

Aunt Rosa picked up the watch and held it in the air. “Give this back to whatever poor heart he broke.”

I walked by and grabbed the watch. When Glew and I reached the back door, she said, “Don’t you ever come back around here.”

We both said, “No, ma’am.”

In less than an hour, we reached Glew’s client’s house. She didn’t mind having late visitors. She still wore a shirt and jeans and smoky circles around her eyes. When we gave her the watch, she jumped and gave us each a kiss on the jaw accompanied with huge hugs.

She said, “Oh you men. You’re the best. But you can’t know how much a metal memento means to a lady.”

Glew said, “Well, um…”

I said, “Oh, ma’am. I’m pretty sure we do know.”

Thank you so much for reading!

Check out five more Fairfax & Glew tales in this collection…

Featured

The Green Storm

Shawn Tanner showed up to the party with his green hat on and without question, some illegal substances flooding his veins. After a year in the county lock-up, one could feel for the guy. After digging up how he put his girlfriend in the hospital for three weeks before going in, sympathy becomes a bit more difficult. Glew installed motion cameras in each of the four bedrooms of the party house. Shawn had to cut loose like an Irishman. After all, Saint Patrick’s Day brings that out in people. Everyone could be Irish for one night.

Glew sent me a text message that indicated Shawn chose to take his pleasure in the back bedroom upstairs. I already had the ladder set up leading to the back window. Call it the luck of the Irish. I climbed my way to the window and slid it open.

Between the punk rock music and the disco ball, Shawn didn’t notice me. He salivated over the girl who lay on the bed. His friend kept the door cracked, watching the hallway. His other friend undressed her. The girl slept with her head turned to one side and her arms spread out. Green ribbons held her wrists in place. The doorman smiled at Shawn but Shawn kept his eyes on the girl and his hand down his pants. The other friend slid the last of her clothes off and then bound her ankles to the other bed posts. I drew a breath, leaned back and then dove into the bedroom.

When I rolled to a standing position, the friend on the bed turned around in slow motion as if he saw a friendly ghost who he could engage in a deep conversation about life and death. I nailed him on the jaw with a right hand. He dropped to the floor in a heap.

The doorman lunged at me. I ducked his right handed shot and then drilled his gut with a left uppercut. He stumbled but grabbed onto me. So I tossed him into the wall. Shawn slipped out of the room like a man on parole leaving a crack den. The doorman jumped into me but I made light steps backward until he fell to his knees where I drilled him with a right hand to the chin. I shoved him into the closet. After pushing a recliner against the closet door, I bolted out of the room.

Glew held onto Shawn’s ankle who kicked at him. A trickle of blood oozed at Glew’s right nostril. He’d tried to take him down himself, poor guy. I ran toward them. Shawn peered back at me and then kicked Glew’s hand away and ran downstairs into a crowd of green hats. His own hat fell off, revealing his shaved head. I knelt beside Glew. “You all right?”

He leaned up and dabbed at his nose. “I’ll make it…I mean, yeah…I’ll make it, stud…”

“The girl’s tied up in there. Go set her free.”

I helped him to his feet. He patted my shoulder. “You got it.”

I ran downstairs. Shawn caught sight of me and bolted through the patio door. I followed him out there until we got to the center of the backyard. Shawn stopped and turned toward me. I stopped. He shouted, “Hey, guys! Hey, guys! Who wants to see a fight!?!”

A sea of green hats and clover shirts turned toward me. A few guys yelled, “Yeah!!”

Shawn cupped his hands over his mouth. “Who wants to see me fight this guy?”

Everyone cheered and raised their green solo cups into the air. I shook my head. Shawn said, “What? You backing down?”

I shrugged and stepped toward him with a pawing jab. Shawn circled me with leopard speed. When I turned, he caught me with a quick right. I threw a wild right in return but missed. I stepped toward him, tasting my own blood. Shawn ventured a left up high. I swung a right hand over the top and caught him but he fired back with his own straight right hand.

Bop!

The blow caught me in my eye. I reached out for his arms but he kicked my shin and then pivoted and kicked my calf. I stumbled. He dug a right uppercut into my gut. I grabbed his arm but he wrestled free of my grip. I shot a few jabs and then another right hand. Shawn backed his way out of range.

The beer-fueled crowd roared at us. One fellow there yelled for Shawn to kick my rear end. A heavy red beard protruded from his face. Glew pointed him out to me earlier. This fellow had one sister- the girl upstairs.

Shawn caught me with a quick jab. I retaliated with a right cross. He stumbled. So I drove a left hook into his gut. He doubled over. I kneed him in the face. Shawn fell back against the crowd. I stalked him but a few fellows got in between us. The red-bearded fellow pointed at me. “You stand your ass back. Who are you anyway?”

I stepped back. Glew emerged from the living room with the now clothed girl in his arms. He laid her in a lawn chair. Then he produced his phone from his pocket. He headed over to the crowd of cheering drinkers.

Shawn bolted toward me. I turned but he caught me in the gut.

Thunk!

We hit the ground. He scrambled on top of me and drove a right hand down, but I dodged it. He grabbed my wrists with the amphetamines pumping through him. I struggled back until I yelled into the night. Shawn let my wrists go and punched down at me with both fists. I blocked most of them with my hands but the flurry got faster. His knuckles connected with my temple and my forehead and then my jaw. I parried his shots but they got closer and closer. This pumped up fool just wouldn’t stop throwing. His heart would have to explode before he’d stop. My hands and forearms ached. I tasted my blood again.

Thump!

Jeans and boots surrounded me. I kept my hands up in front of my face. The group smothered me, stepping all around me. I tried to inhale. Someone stepped on my toe. Another tripped over me, spilling beer on my shirt. Another icy cold gush covered my face. A hand grabbed my wrist and yanked me through the crowd.

Glew dragged me over by the patio. I let my hands down. He patted my shoulder. I shook my head. The whole crowd kicked and struck poor old Shawn right there. He didn’t have enough amphetamines in him to fight them all. I’ve seen a pack of hyenas with less brutality. Glew’s camera feed went straight to his phone. So he had shown the brother what Shawn intended to do to his sister. Glew lit a cigar. “Maybe we should step in.”

I spat blood onto the patio. “Maybe we shouldn’t.”

Glew helped me to my feet. I followed him onto the patio where I patted the girl’s cheek. She made a slight groan, followed by a concentrated purse of her lips. She’d be searching her memory bank later on. She’d never know for sure. That would be the worst part of it. I can rest easy though, knowing that we kept her safe.

When we made it out of the house, the crowd all stormed upstairs. I reckon Shawn’s friends would be dealt with as well. “Maybe we should recruit a few of those fellows. Lighten our load.”

Glew puffed his cigar. “The funny thing is that they’ll all forget about us. They’ll be heroes in their own minds. Still, though, it’s pretty sweet.”

Shawn crawled his way through the fence out back to the front yard. Blood streaked from his eye. Mud covered his head along with beer I’m sure. He checked behind him once but then he crawled on ahead. Glew popped his trunk open. I wrapped Shawn’s mouth and wrists with duct tape.

The next day, the girl must have wondered a lot about what happened to her but she had her brother and friends who could let her know that a few strangers kept her safe. Shawn, on the other hand, woke up naked and tied to his own bed with his blood smeared on the sheets and a few sex toys lying nearby. I can’t be sure what he thought at the site of all that. But I do know that he left town the same day. Now I’ll drink a green beer to that on any day of the year.

Blueberries

Glew kept a few car-lengths between Litterello’s convertible and the gray bull. Litterello only drove twenty over the speed limit. A patrolman sat parked behind a sign in front of a dive on the highway. Glew was only going five over. The patrolman watched Litterello pass by him at least twenty miles over the limit. He yawned. Glew scoffed. “Some law we have around here.”

Fairfax said, “M-hhmm.”

“I thought he would hit the blueberries.”

“Do what?”

“The blueberries. You know how in old movies, they’d say ‘hit the cherries’ since the lights on police cars were red. Now, they’re blue. So they hit the blueberries.”

“Are you still yapping?”

“Whatever, stud.”

French Bug

“I don’t know, man. Maybe he just doesn’t want you bothering him. He tipped us tonight and he’s always a gentleman. He wears the cool clothes and he drives the Citroen 2CV.” “It’s a French Bug.” “Come on, stud. It’s got style.”

The Loins of Our Lives

Glew resumed his seat beside Nicodemus as if they were roommates. He held a box of Goobers toward Fairfax. He shook his head. An episode of The Loins of Our Lives played on the TV where a woman in a black dress and mismatched shoes and sunglasses spoke to a man in a flashy suit and bow tie in a mansion. She said, “But what do you mean, Trucker?”

“Trucker” said, “I cannot help you, Calista. You are blind.”

Calista lowered her head. “Yes.”

“You refuse to see any of your problems- the divorce or the failed merger. You just won’t see.”

“But I can’t see!”

“Exactly.”

“I really cannot see.”

“Yes.”

“No. I am physically blind!”

Trucker removed Calista’s hand from his chest and held it there, saying, “And I am the only surgeon in the world with the powers to heal you, thanks to your ex-husband’s research. But now he’s dead, poisoned accidentally by his own vaccine. Only I can fix you.”

“Please do it!”

“No.”

“But why not?”

“I have eyes for another.”

“I don’t care. You can have her. You can have me, too, even just when you want. I don’t care. I just want my sight back.”

“No. I have physical eyes for another. They will match her but not you. Someday we will find a match for you, too.”

“Oh, and then you’ll fix me.”

“I can…but I won’t.”

Calista drew back. “Why?”

Trucker stepped back from Calista and made a funny face. Calista waited for an answer. He twisted his face into another funny expression. He giggled to himself. She kept waiting. He stuck out his tongue at her. A voice over in Trucker’s voice said, “She can’t know about my secret love for making faces when no one is watching. If I give her sight back to her, I can’t make my funny faces. The world will laugh at me again.”

Calista placed a finger to her mouth and giggled.

“Wait a minute. Why is she giggling? Did she get the operation? Can she really see?”

Calista wore a wide smile now. Then a commercial for glasses came on.

Fairfax huffed and took out a wad of cash along with the keys to the car outside. He snapped his fingers at Nicodemus, who blinked a few times and turned to him. He said, “Oh, hey.”

Something Dead Smells…Dead

Cathy pulled her truck door open. The old girl groaned. So did the truck door. She plopped on the driver’s seat and started the engine. The vents belched hot air onto her cheeks. She took off her Fistfiller cap and set it in her lap. She closed her eyes. The heat poured through the beer smell from the plant. She wiped her nose and shut the heater off. She rested on her steering wheel. A few ladies dressed in skirts and heels strode toward their cars. They bounced and giggled and laughed like conspirators. They probably planned to meet up at the Dope Club tonight and party it up. Cathy rubbed her stomach.

Oh, sweet Salon Paus patch…

She shifted the truck into Drive. Someone tapped on her window. She turned and watched the guy standing there. He wore his Fistfiller cap low over his eyes. She rolled down her window and said, “Hey…”

He said, “Chet. How’re you doing?”

“Tired, Chet. You still liking the job?”

“Yes, ma’am.” Chet rolled his sleeves up and flexed his arms and said, “With all this exercise, I’m getting bigger than ever.”

She pinched his bicep. “Not bad, youngster.”

“I wanted to thank you again for helping me get on.”

“Well, you can thank George for that. I hear you’re doing good. Keep it up, young buck.”

“Okay. I sure will.”

“I’ll see you later.”

Chet flexed for her again. She drove away. She made it to the stop sign at the end of her street a few minutes later. Stew waved to her from his front porch. She waved back and accelerated. She slowed and looked up at Stew. He smiled toward her. She pulled into his driveway. She drew in a deep breath and dragged onto his front porch. He sat on one chair and offered her the other one. He held a cup of coffee toward her. She said, “Let me see that.”

Stew handed it over and Cathy took a long smell of it. “Lord. Your coffee always smells so good. I try not to drink any after the morning, though.”

“It’s all in my coffee-maker. I designed it myself. I get just the right flavor and oh my goodness. I hook a coffee IV up to my arm every night while I’m asleep.”

She chuckled. “Yes. It’s quite nice.”

“You’ve seen it?”

Dang you, George.

“Um, yeah. You showed it to me one time.”

“That’s right. I’m planning on a heart attack in the next few years. I’ve got my medical bracelet and everything that I sleep in. Once it hits, I’ll back off but until then, I want to maintain my brown blood.”

“Good lord, you’re a mess, Stew.” A couple of teenage boys cruised down the street on skateboards. One jumped up on the skateboard’s edge but he fell off with a bump. The other one laughed at him. They both stared at Cathy. She grinned.

Stew said, “So what’s with you?”

Cathy turned to him. “What?”

Stew set his cup down and pointed at her. “Girly, you’re gonna have to rent them bags under your eyes to me for my next vacation. I carry a lot of primping products because it takes effort to look this good.”

She raised her voice. “Thanks a lot.”

“What’s got you so tired?”

“I don’t know. Work’s been busy. We went to that funeral last night.”

“For that Nuckerbuck fellow.”

“Nate Nuckerbuck, yeah.”

“I heard he wrestled a python.”

“No, it was a crocodile.”

“Ain’t that just like life. One minute, you’re wrestling a python and on top of the world and the next minute, you’re pushing up daisies while some joker robs your house.”

“Yeah, it’s…what?”

Stew sipped his coffee. “Last night, according to one of our fine neighbors. They took the TV and a stereo and some tools and some jewelry and a few other things. A couple of jackets, I think. It’s a real shame.”

Cathy bit her lip. Stew stared at her. She swallowed. “Stew, I need to get. Enjoy your coffee.”

“I’m opening up my vein shortly.”

Cathy got in her truck and drove down the street and stopped in front of a house far down from her own. She made a call. The recipient said, “Yeah?”

“George. How are you doing?”

“I’m rubbing my toe. I stumped it today.”

“Your middle toe?”

“No…why?”

“Never mind. Listen, you heard about Nate Nuckerbuck.”

“Ugh…no, I don’t guess I did.”

“He died.”

“Do what?”

Cathy filled him in on the python- no, crocodile- death. He said, “Old Nuckerbuck always was a wild man, not to mention a dumb ass.”

“That’s fine talk.”

“But true.”

Cathy said, “At Mama’s birthday party-

“When was that?”

“Last week. The same day it is every year.”

“Yeah.”

“Anyway. A guest there named Ernest Brighterbulb-

“Brighterbulb? That sounds made up.”

“I agree. He was making a good impression, though. Says he’s in securities. Somebody there talked about Husqvarna lawn mowers and then Mama asked Brighterbulb if he knew the Nuckerbucks who ran the lawn mower store on the highway and he said he didn’t know them but last night he was at the visitation, claiming that he went way back with Nate and the whole family. And then, Stew told me today that Nate’s house was robbed last night.”

“Hhmm. That does sound fishy.”

“I thought maybe you and that handsome partner of yours might want to take a look.”

“Don’t start.”

She chuckled. “What? He is handsome.”

“We’ll get on it. You go tend to your Ham.”

Mistakes

Glew then filled out the form and returned it to the receptionist. “The doctor will see you.”

“Shortly?”

The receptionist stared at him.

Glew smirked.

The receptionist said, “He will see you when he sees you. Isn’t that how things worked a few years ago?”

Glew shrugged. “The scenery was better.”

The receptionist typed on his computer. Glew turned. The other patient wore a dress and high heels and held up an issue of Turn His Head magazine over her face. She bobbed her foot up and down and a few times to the right.

I love it when women do that.

So Glew took the seat next to her and said, “Do you come here often?”

The lady glared at Glew over the magazine. He turned away. She dropped the magazine and tapped his shoulder and said, “Hey.”

Glew turned to her and prodded his lip with his finger. “Roberta?”
Roberta stood and held her arms open. Glew hugged her. She said, “Aw, Mr. Glew. How have you been doing?”

Glew resumed his seat. “Not bad. Just hunting down Hookville’s worst, you know.”

“Hhmm. You’re police?”

“No, I actually work.”

Roberta cackled and patted his arm. Glew showed her his badge and said, “Private detective. Didn’t Fairfax mention that to you?”

“No, he didn’t.”

“I see how important I am.”

“Oh now. Don’t worry about that. George didn’t talk about anybody. He’s a man of few words.”

“Yes, he is.”

“So I have a tooth back here on this side giving me trouble. I hope it’s not serious.”

“Good luck.”

“And yourself?”

“I’m just in for a check-up, although I have been working out with Fairfax and Krong. It’s a wonder I have any teeth left.”

“He told me all about that guy. He sounds intense.”

“Of course. He told you all about Krong.”

Roberta chuckled. “You are one funny guy. We should have hung out more often.”

“I wouldn’t say ‘no’.”

Her grin faded. “I’m afraid my boyfriend wouldn’t approve. He’s the jealous type. How’s George been doing anyway?”

“He’s staying busy and working at Baget Fab.”

“Good. He needs a job with all that energy he has.”

“He’s dating somebody, too.”

“Really? That’s…wonderful.”

“He’s happy to be moving beyond past mistakes.”

“Right. I can…mistakes?”

“Yeah.”

Roberta tossed the magazine into the next chair and said, “So I’m a mistake?”

“What?”

“He said I was a mistake. He’s happy to be moving beyond me, AKA his mistake. I can’t believe he’d say that.”

Glew said, “Well, I-

The receptionist said, “Roberta? You can go on back now.”

Roberta straightened her dress and said, “Thank you for telling me. George is going to hear from me on this one.” She marched through the door to the exam rooms.

The receptionist “dude” said, “Uh-oh.”

Rubber Money

The next customer shoved the door open. The bell groaned. Rubby said, “Hey, there’s the man.”

The man filled two big gulp cups with fountain Coke and then pounded them on the counter. Rubby rang him up. The man drained half of the first cup. “What else you got going?”

Rubby handed him his change. “Well…I don’t know…”

The man killed another five gulps. “You do know and you’re going to tell me. Ain’t that right, Rubber?”

He bowed his head. “Man, you don’t need to call me that. It’s a beautiful day. Don’t be like that. Don’t I get a little respect?”

The man shoved a twenty across the counter. “You get your fee. I get what you got. Talk, Rubber.”

Rubber balled up his fist. The man exhaled like a Mack truck. Rubby loosened the fist. “Eleven Hundred Lawd Street. The guy moved out but there’s golf clubs in the attic. He told me last night. Nice clubs, too. He doesn’t want them.”

The man chugged the first and took the second. Then he left. Rubby rubbed his lip. Then he dumped the first big gulp into the trash. He rubbed his chin.

The co-worker returned from the restroom. She shoved a green stick of gum into her mouth and held the pack toward Rubby. He shook his head. “Watch the register for a sec?”

She scoffed. “Whatever.”

Rubby darted through the back door. He slipped his wallet out and flipped through the compartments. He stuffed the man’s twenty into it. A card fell out. He bent down and picked it up. He flapped it against his wrist.

I don’t know.

“Talk, Rubber.”

Rubby dialed up the number on the card. The guy came on the line. “Wally Glew.”

“Hey, buddy. This is Rubby from Lurnem.”

A bunch of muffled thumps poured from the other end.

“You there? This is Rubby. You remember me, Wally?”

Wally coughed. “Yeah, man. Sorry. I had a long night. What’s going on? You doing okay?”

Rubby closed his eyes.

At least someone gives a damn.

“You told me to holler at you if I could ever help you out with your…investigating.”

“That’s right.”

“Well, I’ve got something. I’d say it’s worth a hundred bones.”

“Oh. Damn. Um…”

“We’re talking burglary. And it’s big. I mean, big.”

Wally sighed. “All right. You at work? The Circle K?”

“You bet. It’s my last day and I’m going out with a bam.”

“Um, I think you mean ‘bang’.”

“I’ll set them up for you, man. I’ll send them right to you tonight. But I need that scratch first.”

“I’m on my way.”

Gas Station Promotion

Glew parked the Jeep by the pump farthest from the front door of Bill’s Quick-Fill gas station. He stepped out and took out his wallet. He gazed at the cashier’s window. “Damn. Have they cleaned it this century?”

He entered the gas station. The clerk met his eyes. He grinned and strolled to the counter. She frowned. He winked and handed her his credit card. “Forty on the Jeep.”

She ran his credit card. “You can pay at the pump.”

“Next time.”

“Good.”

“Do you trust your husband?”

She picked up her cell phone and typed on it. “I don’t have time for weirdos.”

“You work at a gas station.”

She printed the receipt and handed it to him. He pointed to his credit card behind the counter. “Now, now.”

She scoffed and slid the credit card across the counter and…off the counter. He picked up the card from the grime-coated floor and returned it to his wallet. He pulled out a black business card and set it on the counter. “I’m Wally Glew, private eye. Call me. I’ll get evidence of him cheating on you.”

He strolled to the exit door.

“My husband knows better than to even look at another female.”

“Call me day or night.”

He pumped his gas and opened the Jeep’s door. A truck parked at the next pump. He removed his white fedora and smoothed out his hair. He replaced the fedora and thumped the brim. Then he strolled over to the truck’s driver. “Hello, good sir. Do you trust your wife?”